i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You are the jesus of drinking
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
