2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
