no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
