Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
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