If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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