Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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