i wish starbucks made bloody marys
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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