I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
