Are we in a gay sports bar?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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