my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
