farters have to be the big spoon...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
