My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
