i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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