I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
