My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
