My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
