She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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