surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
