make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
