you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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