Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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