i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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