After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
