I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
