Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
