my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
