she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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