Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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