someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
