The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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