Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
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Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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