I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
