Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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