So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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