Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
