did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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