Apparently you make a good broom.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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