i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
