dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
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Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
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I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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