My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
