All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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