Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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