i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
