He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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