So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
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he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
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You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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