Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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