So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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