I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
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