I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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