i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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