Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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