So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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