So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
