I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
