from now on my penis is your penis
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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